Friday, December 19, 2008

Loving Him secretly

It's really kinda weird! I hate this kind of feeling that i'm hurting for no reason. I really wanna scream! It all started with a chat. I have this chat mate and we are intimately chatting each other for almost 5 months. Yet now, it feels so cold and i never find him online for almost 2 weeks already. We keep chatting almost every night when we caught each other online. Whenever I sign in he will immediately "PM" me saying, "hi po", "gud eve", etc. He become special to me. It was all started from him because from the very start i never really noticed him until he kept on bothering me and always greeting me. As time goes by, i noticed myself acting differently towards him. All i wanted is to chat with him no matter what even if i am busy i still give some time to chat with him. I also find myself to be always feeling excited to open and to sign in the yahoo messenger to find if he's online. Every night i really wanted to share some stories and to know more about him. Sometimes we share cam to see each other. In fairness, he is pogi but i keep on telling him that he is not and that he is "PANGET! (not good looking man)" which challenged him because according to him almost all of his new friends and strangers will admire him and tell him that he is handsome!

Until such time, it made me wonder and think if he's still feeling the same feeling that i have now because i am already affected and it feels so heavy in my heart. Heavy in the sense that i don't have the right to command or ask more from him. I am really confused! The sweet words he has, the care and most of all the respect he showed to me truly made me fall for him. He doesn't know that i am falling in love with him. I am afraid and I don't have the guts to tell him. I can not find timing because im afraid that i might be rejected by him although we already calling each other as "beb". He was the one started calling me, "beb" and i followed him, then.

I can really say that he is so different from all my chat mates. I cannot remember a single time that he had and used foul words to me. He appeared to be wholesome and we are both wholesome in our words even until now. I know and i am pretty much aware regarding the situation we have that we are just "chat mates". But i was carried away even though i knew the fact that we are only just chat mates, no assurance whether he or I is telling the truth. Moreover, he is from luzon and im from mindanao. We're very near! haha. Yet, i can feel it that he is sincere from the way he constructs his words and thoughts everytime we chat. One of the the things that made me believe him is whenever he recalls and bring back what we had talked about the last time we chat and he also remembers what i have said to him about me. He really put a big smile in my face, butterflies in my stomach and he has the power to cheer me up!

Sad to say, as of now, we are so cold with each other for two weeks that we haven't communicate through YM which is the only communication that we have. He is now in UAE, he just arrived today. He will work there as a Nurse. I feel hurt when he is online without sending me any greetings or if he won't "PM"/ BUZZ me. I feel jealous deep inside. Just like now, he is online and i PM him but he replied so so late. So, i lost my appetite to chat with him. It made me think that he already forget me and that i am no longer special to him, etc. I am now inventing reasons for myself. There are many questions in my mind and in my heart about him. I'd rather found him offline than online. Because if he's online i am very affected and i hate this feeling.

I still have a lot of things to say but its hard to express what i really wanted to express. The most painful part is when it is only me who knows that there is "you and me" where in fact there is nothing. I am loving him secretly which hurts me a lot. Now, i am deciding not to notice him a little and i am trying to look forward to lighten this heavy feelings and to be totaly recovered.